Radio Trans

It's getting harder to breathe.


The air is thicker, the body unwilling to sustain itself, the mind, a wasteland of darkness where thoughts ravage whatever remains.

The days are slower, sluggish to even pass through them.



Its hard to breathe.


My world, has stopped spinning.

And Turn for Kingdom

I'm not sure they understand. Of course, the meaning behind it is well known to all, but how it revolves in my head is my own concoction and its a potent one.

I'm a lonely person because my mind set itself way out there and there isn't anyone around to see it that way. My way.



And, I'm not going to be the same person once this is over. I feel it. The despair and stretch of my senses, like times of old.



That dark passenger and its shadow.





It waits behind, just a little further.



Waiting, just waiting. Till I can hold it back no more.





And it will come to me and take me. Take me there. To places I left behind.

Holding the Pigeon

Did I just lose her?

A Dash of Rain and A Flash of Salt

It seems to be a common phenomena, that a lot of things surrounding you suddenly seem so unfamiliar, alien even.


Like people. Aliens are people who alienate themselves or, and get alienated. That's a theory and I will never want to prove it. Yes, people seem that way, always.


It's a realization that, things never hardly change.




How about this for an image.


I see a box.
I move to the box.
I pick up the box.
I study the box.
I open the box.
The box is not a box.
The box makes a sound.
The box is ticking.
The box is a ticking bomb.
The box could kill me.
But
I try to fix the box.
I look at the bomb in the box.
I turn the box.
I try to understand the box.
The box does not stop ticking.
I realise it was never a box.
It was just a bomb.
And
It's too late.
Tick tock...



Everyone is as they seem as much as no one is not.

Just me, Wheat and Cheese

I don't think they'd understand.



That  just wanted to be thought of, that I'd like the chance to be included.





And it's not the first. After a thought or two, it seems that i'm desperate. And why shouldn't I be? Such company is hard to find and I honestly have lost all individual capacity to start afresh.

But the fact that I am not, just hints of a harsh reality, and only gives light to this sad realization that, I AM right, as we all love to be, no matter how wrong it turns out to be. And all this just erases all words spoken so reassure, that alone is how things are meant to be.


Everyone lies, including me, everyone is a monster, everyone only thinks of themselves and will not care if another person burns, unless maybe, just maybe if it burns them too.





Yes, i'm spiteful. And I smile because it's the best way to lie.

The Good Trio

I feel sad today.

Somehow dark, deep sadness. Like I'd looked within myself and saw nothing, no hope. No life.

As if the future held nothing but sorrow and loneliness. The world lost its color and even though its simplicity was initially pleasing, its flavour and appeal vanished quicker than I imagined.

And still we hold on and breathe. What that is, the world had not created a name for it.

Fibbed and Told

The biggest lie takes all you can offer. Or maybe some just like to live lies.














I think I'm having a meltdown.

Oh how madness can fog the mind. Or does it.

And Behold a White Horse

"In spite of everything you've done for them, eventually they will hate you."


Yes.


They will betray you.

They will lie to you.

They will feed you with sweet whispers...




And then destroy everything you know.









After all of this time, I will lose everything.

I Should and I Can, Stamp

I

Don't

Trust

..........

A Little Less Riot

It is cold every day even though the sun burns my skin.
I am sick to the core even when I have my health.
Weary whenever I smile, uncomfortable when I laugh.
I am distant when I am close, running when I've stooped.

O death where is thy sting?

Here, now, always.

What do I do when everything feels like its killing me, every strand of me. How do you live when the stench of death fills the air....

Heat

And so begins the ending.

After all the words spoken and thoughts unheard. Fear runs deep, truth runs deeper.

No one ever changes.

Orange Night

It's a sad day for me.

I must be honest. After conversations tonight, I know I need help. I can try my best to cope, deal and make peace with it all, but it doesn't work. It overwhelms me and the most important people don't understand or try to help. No one really sets me down and says, "Hey look, I see you're a mess, talk to me, let it out." No one has the time to carry my luggage. Most of the time its shrugged off, like it doesn't matter if I'm all fucked up.

No one fucking cares. Sure you say you do, but what are you really doing to help? Ask and then forget about it? Why not help me through it. Don't just say were all here for you and then just leave it at that. Humans around here are disgusting. Living hypocritical parasites. Never say you care when you don't.

Its a sad day because I feel like I need to talk to a counsellor, to seek therapy. Do you know how belittling that is? To actually admit that you can't go on anymore on your own, that's its gotten way too fucking much, so much that it brinks madness.

And all of this I keep to myself, with thoughts hieding my brain, it never leaves me alone, plaguing, destroying every happy thought I try to sustain.

Its unbearable and I'm slowly realising........

..........I'm losing this fight.

Crowded Crunch

If I were just nothing today, I would leave behind nothing.

Maybe just a collection of crap that meant nothing to anyone but me.

And the word of the day is nothing.

Fucking, fucking wonderful life.

The Cat Cheese

Everyone lies.

Everyone hates everyone.

And everyone wants attention, even if it means destroying all that you have.

Humans are pathetic.

Lifes Guts

The person I sleep with is a stranger. Someone I Don't remember, someone I Don't recognize.

Then again, my heads all a mess, maybe it's me I Don't remember.

Fear.

They don't know it. There could be a day where I lose it all.
Or have I already?

Researching Bread

In my mind, there is the understanding and knowledge of things that I could lose.





The thought of it is unbearble. almost surreal, like it belongs in a movie or a distant universe.

















And this is why I try to never let it slide, everyday, and f I do, I make sure, I claw back in.






I love you.

3rd From 10

I imagine things that will never be and things that have been.




Days when it happens, it broods, darkens everything. And there are times when it stays on for a time and makes the weeks pass easier.





I imagined a time and a place, with someone else, anyone else I could picture. I thought of a place, what I would be wearing and how it would play out.


Smiles, maybe one or two.



But what came rushing through my senses was.......

It made me sick. 

Like the unimaginable urge to not be there in the same place, the restlesness, feeling so uncomfortable and disgusted. 




And I know. 

This Is True

You will never know who I am.



Ever.

Mixed Glass

I don't know how to be normal.




No one never gave me the chance to be.

Eternal Minds In Blue

There are days where our feet do most of the thinking.

Oh you know what I mean. It's when they want to go somewhere and you have no inkling as to its purpose. Like once, I went up to a swing before a wedding all dressed up in a bowtie. It happened to be a grand idea then. 

And so I found myself wandering to the laek that evening, somewhat thinking that the quiet would calm the hectic day down, that I needed just the sound of nature to end the day. 

There I was.

And she chanced to be there. Gnger, brown, black, white. Hair, leggings, coat and scarf. Her hair waved in the wind, like the dying flame of dragonfire. Her eyes were closed, and yet she turned towards me, and without opening her eyes, smiled at me then opened them to stare at me. 

Mesmerized.

I felt uncomfortable yet strangely at ease, like I wanted her to see me. Cold winds blew, the dusk darkened. 

"I like waching the birds fly home."

"Is that why you're here?"

And I wasn't sure anymore why I had been led to the lake. I doubted my feet and my senses.

"You should see the other side, where the birds fly to and beyond."

She looked at me and grinned, 

"Some never come back..."

Bracket

No one knows how painful it is,



How difficult it is.


And when I try, no one listens, no one cares. Everyone does their own thing, regardless of how I feel, never really ever thinking about me, even when they say they do.

They all lie.




No one gives a fuck.





I want to die.

ATM

Can't eat.











Can't be happy.







Can't do shit. 

Bottle Up That String

It's time to leave this town



It's time to steal away.


















Blue you sit so pretty.

This Light Fades

Quiet, still, almost picturesue it seemed, like a pcture framed and I somehow was in it. But it shattered as she grunted and moments later a soft splash and sounds of disappointment. Hesitantly, I snapped back to reality and looked at her, then my watch. 

We were late.

"Kris, we have to leave."

I tapped my watch and looked at her. A pouty sad face met my stern look and I coulnd't help but break out in a tiny grin.

"But we caught....."

She glanced into the basket, 

"3 tiny ones."

And another pouty sad face.

"We'll come back tomorrow Kris, we'll try again then. Hopefully you haven't terrified them with your excessive splashing."

I grinned again, but it soon vanished as I begun packing, quickly remembering the essentials we'd need to make it back. 
And it began to darken, I watched the sunlight fade, unnaturally and everyday it made me shiver.

We walked, talked about the smallest things, then trotted, jogged but then......

"Jay, it's too dark. We have to....."

I turned behind to look and saw how the trees no longer had a distinctive shape, no longer holding the color of nature. I grabbed her hand and ran. 

We barely made it back. Everyone was there waiting, father glared at me in panic and anger. He did not need to tell me, he knew I understood more than anyone. He moved past me as the main door closed behind me and Kris and peeked out of the window, bewildered. 

"It came quicker today. Way too fast, we barely made it back."





Father looked concerned, alarmed, then fear somewhat flashed in his eyes.









"The nights are getting longer."