Calling and Calling

I am its' victim.








It will not let me go.

For You Again

I am locked up by hurt.


I tell no one a story I never wanted to hear. With each day, it slowly drifts away, the reality of it all. Thoughts, hvae I only to keep me company when i'ts dark ad quiet. I run, ever so slowly, wishing It could end, but just before it does, I have to speed up all over again. 

Where is everyone?

I break everytime because it hurts and pains me and yet it does not show and still I try to grab her hand hoping to find something. 

Where are you?
Where am I?
Where is my mind?



I need it to end, everything, to fade and never come back, to be true to me. I belong to the wind without memory or weight, where I can fall and rise just as it brings me where it wants to. 





Take my hand, please....






I’ve counted the cost of this loneliness
And I’ve paid for the crime
And one day I’ll die
With you in my mind

About Today

You turned your gaze to me and I, I can't read your gaze







You asked me what, I could not say
When it couldn't, you turned night into day
As it was, I watched it walk away
Tonight I close my eyes, although it may

Someday, always, I'd wanna be
Although time will not permit me to see
What sky and sound would lay before me
Burdened down, with tears on bended knee

Never rising never falling






I just watch you slip away...





Today, you were far away.......



I am.....




Right here.

Tombstone Shadow

Said I got thirteen months of bad luck, 
Bound to be some pain. 
Don't you do no trav'lin', 
Fly in no machines. 

Breathing helps. Everyone needs to breathe. A favorite of mine is, Just Breathe.

And now, I barely can. 

Today, in anger, I tried to beat something silly, I ended up wondering if I'd make it past the hour.

Maybe this is his way of saying slow down, but it confuses me, what have I sped up that needs to be taken one at a time? I wait daily for some kind of answer and at the same time I'm impatient, who wouldn't be.

Mother loathed the temper, everyone does. In some twisted way, it feels like this is some kind of wish gone bad, I know somewhere, sometime, mother has prayed for my temper to cease or something to that effect. Hilarious, this is what it took for it to work. 

But deep down, I'm enraged, even more so, this just means my incapacity to do even more things, let alone find something to occupy my time. 

It's a mixture of feelings, I don't like em, I don't have total control and the next step is hidden from me. 

Sinister purpose, knocking at my door.

The Western Lake

I can feel it my heart

I can see it in your face

I can feel it my heart

I can see it in your face

over there...

I pulled him back just as he dashed forward, his eyes filled with rage and intent, malintent. As my arms held him back, he frowned, angry, bewildered, like I had committed the most illogical he'd ever witnessed. They questioned me, his eyes did, grey, swirly, just like mine. There was so much to learn, so much more to teach, and yet so little time.

"Why, why."

It was not a question, but a demand. 

I placed a finger on my lips, closed my eyes for a second, looked at him and gestured skyward. Hesitantly he followed. Once we were up above, I could feel his eyes darting back and forth at what was happening and back to me. He needed to know, did he really?

"Master...."

I sighed and looked him in the eye.

"We must just watch."

Rage filled his eyes, a slight tear edged its way past him, I could feel it welling up, angry, sad, conflicted. 

"You're going to just watch and, and do nothing?! What's come over you?"

"Nothing. This is just how it must be. Tonight, for once, it must be as such."

"Your'e going to let this happen? It cannot be so simple a descison that such madness would come from it. They will destroy h....."

"And so they will, Merkain, and it will not be the last. Our purpose is to watch, to maintain..."

"How can you speak of purpose? How can you when you let such things happen? You could've done something tonight, you could've and yet you did nothing, and made me watch, me. How can you speak of purpose after what happened to her, after you just let her....."

The grey in the my eyes vanished as it turned dark to draw him in as I looked into him in warning.

"Never, never, mention her." 

He was terrfied and he should've been.

"I am sorry, I did not think." 

"You are young Merkain and that can destroy you if you let it. Tonight...We're meant to outlast everything, there are times when we must, we must simply, watch. To endure Merkain, that is our purpose."

I patted his shoulder as he tried to understand amidst the bloodcurdling screams and cries for mercy.

Milk and Incense

Love me now, hell is coming

Kiss my mouth, hell is here....

Sorrow waited, sorrow won.

The rains came that morning. Loud, crashing, relentless, wet. Sitting in the darkness, each flash of light catches a glimpse of his face, awake, wide awake. And everytime there was light, he saw how alone he was. Memories of days and night past stayed with him, unbearable it became, till it overwhelmed him and he had to decide.

How cold it felt, yet so warm; the rain hugged every inch of him, cursing and blessing him. A clear mind filled with clarity but shaded with one image. He wished he could see her, see her face, see that place in her eyes he always wanted to be. And tears.

"Troy, please.......I need you..."

And before he could begin to wonder, he appeared. Troy gently held his arm. 

"You're soaked."

He looked up into Troys' eyes and let the rain fuse with his tears. 

"You're always here when it rains." 

"You want to know about her, don't you?"

"Where is she, can she breathe, is she alright?"

"She's there. Always. And yes, she can."

He smiled, comfort filled him for just a second and it passed. 

"But I can't, I can't help it. It's always there, if it's not this moment, it's another, everywhere. How can I...."

"You don't and you just do. It's how you know it's never going to be any more than this, you're here."

"I don't want her to...I don't want to l........"

Troy looked at me with a small smile as his eyes softened, 

"I do know. I know your heart, the song it sings, the little wishes you make just before you sleep, the trials you face every instant of your life. And I will be there, when it rains, when you drown, when you reach your hand out for me, i'm never more than a wish away, even when it shines."

Troy held him closer as he hummed away, moving closer, and it just rained harder...

Don't leave my half a heart alone, 
On the water.

Little Wheel

There'll be a time when I see no more..

Listen no more..

Speak no more..




And so until then, I wanna make the days seem worthwhile, to inspire happiness, to see you smile, be yours whenever you need and want me to be. 








Just you.

Ceylon Tropics

There's going to be a day where I switch it all off.





And never, ever, come back.


It's not worth it, really.

Here, Future

"But here i'm alone, im nobody. And i've tried fitting in here, tried being a regular person, i've tried getting a job, but there arent any. 

There are a lot of things I wanted to be in my life a lot of things I wanted to do, but none of them's here".

In a little while, i'll be ....

Mr. Schnider

What is it all about?








It\s when you're at your lowest and darkest that someone comes in, drags you up, says nothing but you'd know it all. 


It's about being there no matter what, through all the crap the moments space tosses together to give our lives its meaning. 




It's about having someone who holds your hand to face whatever end.

Slug Clockwork

Take me, that place
Away, without trace
Visions, your face
Of you, an embrace

World. Further.







Come with me, without me
In my willow
Almost made you cry




Deep. Slow. Sway. Envision. Dance. 
Lose this illusion, jump into another. It's always been about this, this lost of eternity, and just the grip of the fleeting seconds that evade us. It's not about the things we can hold, see, realize. 



It's all about this............



Being lost in that void, this, this void we create, this void we fill up to dig deeper.
Brim to brim with sound and feel.






Fucking lose yourself in it.

Caught Between My Lips

"I'm not perfect."





"I just love it that you remember."




















Nights around us.

Put It Away, Falling Away

My father was a great man.




A simple man who taught me the quiet voice, to have a smile ready for every situation, that while everything around you may seem so weary and hopeless, you could still stand up and take it in your own stride. Change the world by letting the world see its change in you. Simple, as always. 







I sat waiting for her to come round the corner, just another day it would seem, but that's something everyone says to make themselves feel better. I didn't know much bout her, just her name, what she looked like, roughly, whether she'd be a burden or not. Before I could think of anything else, she appeared, her eyes darting round the lot looking. I raised my arm, waved, she saw it, and a ray of sunshine met my gaze. She smiled with all her youth and beauty, all that eagerness and pleasure. She ran over to formally introduce herself, shaking my hand firmly, still smiling. Asking what she would be doing today, I asked her to get in and we would see what the day had in store for us. 


Driving round and round, answering various calls, she talked and talked. I would've said something to get her to stop, but abnormally, with her, I wanted to go on. What was a ray of sunshine doing in the car, with all that equipment weighing her down? What happened?


And I asked her. Asked in a way that she would have to blurt the truth out. 

She did.










There are many of us around, some lie ignorant, blatantly setting aside so many individuals just because they don't understand what they do. They put you down, tell you you're worthless and that whatever you do, it never makes a difference. But to us, if we saved one today, tomorrow, and only just one, we would've said that our job was done and we'd be proud of it, deep down somewhere. Some were made for this, most are not. 

Because there's some good in this world, and it's worth fighting for.

This Terrible Awakening

Past the hour it was, the very fragments of the world fell apart as I entered what seemed to be a dream.

Seemed...

Mine eye unseen t'was led

To a maiden clad in red

"What name wouldst thou have me call thee", I dared

"Luck", with a grin she said

"With all that thou wouldst do, weary be thine path thou wouldst tread."

Turning away, a man before me I find

With faces of seven all but kind

"Pray, what wouldst thy name be", I asked fear in my mind

"Chances, memories and regrets for they are blind."

"Forgotten canst they be, till left behind."

Then wake I did, cold, as the wind blew through the thick air...

...to see the shadow, oh so slowly, stumble closer without step or sound...

Steel Spoon September

How sad it must be to be quiet.


To be so lonesome with a such thoughts, voices that speak to you with every step you take and every decision you are forced to make. This swirl of visions and images, the whispers that they all could be real.
What is real? Reality is what we see, but how far can our sight take us? Beyond it, it's sound and beyond that, simply faith of what we've heard and seen in diagrams or pictures. Reality is never real till it becomes real. And by then, we would never know it, because ignorance leads the blind, and that's everyone. 



Who really pauses to think, to really see and soak in everything that moves and functions. To know and feel this, this life.



World was on fire no one could save me but you
Strange what desire make foolish people do.






Yet we bring light to the people around us when it is needed. A smile, an encouraging word, the presence felt by them knowing you are there when they fall. 

Who holds you then?









No one. Just me and the lonely lullabies in dark shadows.

The High Tower

Steel. Blood. Fear. Evil. Purity. Love. Purpose. Death.





Chaos and confusion did not exist. Each and every soul knew their duty and place. White against Black. By sight of Dragoneye, the spin and clash could be seen unending. The vast walls, breached, held back, destroyed over and over again. From heights that seemed to defy reality, he fought on, his hammer bellowing, wailing; voices that met it begged mercy and the swiftness of a clean death, but never once did it come close to such forgiveness.

Scores of levels below, I carried out my masters bidding. Then a cry rang out, clear as if the grounds held not a living person, empty as the Plains of Kardarn. I turn my gaze, and watched as the lines shattered. In an instant, Black met White as they tried to protect what we held dear. Time, we did not have enough of. I knew what had to be done. Ride I did, up into the clouds, over the slain and living. When the deafening sound of his hammer could not be withstood, I slung the mighty Horn of Narrows and made it known to the world below and above. He stopped to look at me and knew my purpose there. Breaking into a run, decimating all that stood in his path, he leaped up into the heavens, against grey skies, to red, White and Black below. His hammer struck the ground, and from where I stood, I watched the earth part beneath his might, foes of White sent to the Under-realm.


I knew She was safe.




Orius Kryptos 56th Line
2029 BC

It Must Be This Thing.

How time can pass.

And in that time so much can happen, till memory of such things are myth or faded beyond recognition.

But I expect to see much more of....

....myself.