Tombstone Shadow

Said I got thirteen months of bad luck, 
Bound to be some pain. 
Don't you do no trav'lin', 
Fly in no machines. 

Breathing helps. Everyone needs to breathe. A favorite of mine is, Just Breathe.

And now, I barely can. 

Today, in anger, I tried to beat something silly, I ended up wondering if I'd make it past the hour.

Maybe this is his way of saying slow down, but it confuses me, what have I sped up that needs to be taken one at a time? I wait daily for some kind of answer and at the same time I'm impatient, who wouldn't be.

Mother loathed the temper, everyone does. In some twisted way, it feels like this is some kind of wish gone bad, I know somewhere, sometime, mother has prayed for my temper to cease or something to that effect. Hilarious, this is what it took for it to work. 

But deep down, I'm enraged, even more so, this just means my incapacity to do even more things, let alone find something to occupy my time. 

It's a mixture of feelings, I don't like em, I don't have total control and the next step is hidden from me. 

Sinister purpose, knocking at my door.

The Western Lake

I can feel it my heart

I can see it in your face

I can feel it my heart

I can see it in your face

over there...

I pulled him back just as he dashed forward, his eyes filled with rage and intent, malintent. As my arms held him back, he frowned, angry, bewildered, like I had committed the most illogical he'd ever witnessed. They questioned me, his eyes did, grey, swirly, just like mine. There was so much to learn, so much more to teach, and yet so little time.

"Why, why."

It was not a question, but a demand. 

I placed a finger on my lips, closed my eyes for a second, looked at him and gestured skyward. Hesitantly he followed. Once we were up above, I could feel his eyes darting back and forth at what was happening and back to me. He needed to know, did he really?

"Master...."

I sighed and looked him in the eye.

"We must just watch."

Rage filled his eyes, a slight tear edged its way past him, I could feel it welling up, angry, sad, conflicted. 

"You're going to just watch and, and do nothing?! What's come over you?"

"Nothing. This is just how it must be. Tonight, for once, it must be as such."

"Your'e going to let this happen? It cannot be so simple a descison that such madness would come from it. They will destroy h....."

"And so they will, Merkain, and it will not be the last. Our purpose is to watch, to maintain..."

"How can you speak of purpose? How can you when you let such things happen? You could've done something tonight, you could've and yet you did nothing, and made me watch, me. How can you speak of purpose after what happened to her, after you just let her....."

The grey in the my eyes vanished as it turned dark to draw him in as I looked into him in warning.

"Never, never, mention her." 

He was terrfied and he should've been.

"I am sorry, I did not think." 

"You are young Merkain and that can destroy you if you let it. Tonight...We're meant to outlast everything, there are times when we must, we must simply, watch. To endure Merkain, that is our purpose."

I patted his shoulder as he tried to understand amidst the bloodcurdling screams and cries for mercy.

Milk and Incense

Love me now, hell is coming

Kiss my mouth, hell is here....

Sorrow waited, sorrow won.

The rains came that morning. Loud, crashing, relentless, wet. Sitting in the darkness, each flash of light catches a glimpse of his face, awake, wide awake. And everytime there was light, he saw how alone he was. Memories of days and night past stayed with him, unbearable it became, till it overwhelmed him and he had to decide.

How cold it felt, yet so warm; the rain hugged every inch of him, cursing and blessing him. A clear mind filled with clarity but shaded with one image. He wished he could see her, see her face, see that place in her eyes he always wanted to be. And tears.

"Troy, please.......I need you..."

And before he could begin to wonder, he appeared. Troy gently held his arm. 

"You're soaked."

He looked up into Troys' eyes and let the rain fuse with his tears. 

"You're always here when it rains." 

"You want to know about her, don't you?"

"Where is she, can she breathe, is she alright?"

"She's there. Always. And yes, she can."

He smiled, comfort filled him for just a second and it passed. 

"But I can't, I can't help it. It's always there, if it's not this moment, it's another, everywhere. How can I...."

"You don't and you just do. It's how you know it's never going to be any more than this, you're here."

"I don't want her to...I don't want to l........"

Troy looked at me with a small smile as his eyes softened, 

"I do know. I know your heart, the song it sings, the little wishes you make just before you sleep, the trials you face every instant of your life. And I will be there, when it rains, when you drown, when you reach your hand out for me, i'm never more than a wish away, even when it shines."

Troy held him closer as he hummed away, moving closer, and it just rained harder...

Don't leave my half a heart alone, 
On the water.

Little Wheel

There'll be a time when I see no more..

Listen no more..

Speak no more..




And so until then, I wanna make the days seem worthwhile, to inspire happiness, to see you smile, be yours whenever you need and want me to be. 








Just you.

Ceylon Tropics

There's going to be a day where I switch it all off.





And never, ever, come back.


It's not worth it, really.