Sick With My Gatekeeper

I could feel the madness creep into my mind as I wandered my dark home alone.

I switched off the lights and felt the cold sweep around me while I took in the musty air that my house was filled with. I felt insanity walk through the door in a dark deep shadow, I felt the hair on the back of my neck rise.
I heard evil whisper in my ear, convincing me that I should do what I was thinking. I felt light, happier, bigger, stronger.
I felt real.

Yes, it's all about me. I am madness, I am evil, I am darkness, I am pain. Because when I woke up this day, I screamed with all that was in me to the people that shared the same house,



"Satan Is Alive! And He Lives In Me."

Grapple On Cherry

Know what's kinda sad? Watching a kid grow up, seeing that persons huge potential, and then realise they're gonna take the "Big" step of either in one persons view, something really stupid, or in another, something that would make a star out of them. And that person is, Emma Watson.

And quote:
Asked if she would strip for a role, she replied: "Yes. For Bernardo Bertolucci. It... depends. I'm not getting my kit off any time soon, but it is part of my job."




Interesting, if you ask me, but at the same time, kind of disappointing. She's, like so young.

Scuzza Me, But You See, Back In Old Napoli

"When the moon hits you eye like a big pizza pie
That's amore
When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine
That's amore
When the stars make you drool just like a pasta fazool
That's amore
When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet
You're in love
When you walk down in a dream but you know you're not
Dreaming signore
That's amore"



Lol. You just make me sooo happy! And I lurrrrrrrrve you my little Rock star. The only one that can make me dance with red high heels and a bowler hat. The very moments I think of you, it's BIG bottles of 'Love' champagne popping all over.
For my Sapphire,


My love for all time.

Your Hands To Heaven

"You think i'd leave your side baby
you know me better than that
you think i'd leave you down when you're down on your knees
i wouldn't do that..
...i'll tell you you're right when you want
and if only you could see into me
oh when you're cold
i'll be there
hold you tight to me..."




I sat here for a time
Looking for something to fill that line
Instead, I found myself smiling and dreaming
Of your beautiful eyes, and in my heart, your voice still singing
The sun creeping in, I hoped you missed me too
Sliding under the covers, all I really had in my mind was a single thought....
That I really, wholeheartedly, undoubtedly, truly and deeply..
Love You.

At Midnight

"You came along just like a song
And brightened my day
Who would've believe that you were a part of a dream..."





You know I can't smile without you.....

Just you.

It's A Worldwide Symphony.

She said it was inspired by the worst thing imaginable.
I believed her.
I knew what it felt to be inspired by the worst thing.

But why are we? Does it speak through us?

Even if it was from another place, why does it move me so? I felt his soul crying out in pain, although the lyrics seemed to be happy and carefree, somewhat of beauty. I felt it as my own, I knew what he meant.
Maybe he knew what I know too. We won't make it. That its darkness overwhelms us completely, and we're grasping at that last ray of light, crying, hoping, begging for mercy.


Somehow, I know that I have the same fate as him. The tears and pain that surge are just a reminder that it was too late for him, and me....

EF 5

I played a tornado warning siren for roughly about 20 mins just to get the feel of how it sounded like. Kinda like to get into the mind, or atmosphere of it. My neighbours think i'm crazy. I blast all sorts of sounds throughout the day. Who cares.



Right now, jobs are hard to come by, but what's on my mind now is this new 'Thing' i'm doing. I'm literally exhausted by the commitment each day put into it. Trying to figure out all new angles to it and really getting it to come together perfectly.
Although, now, I can hardly sleep without it suddenly haunting me. Christ, what imagination does to a person. Burns the nerves.

Pj and 10 In The Morn

Funny how sleep deprivation can mess up the senses.


I spent roughly 6 hours laughing at random; at random rubbish and it strangely, felt good. Especially when I was on me new Facebook and stumbled on The Knights of Ni. I was like Oh, My, God! Was just a group around the world supporting Monthy Python. Those who've watched that epic piece of british art would know. Christ, The Knights of Ni are hilarious.



And Quote:
""We are now the Knights who say... ”Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-PTANG. Zoom-Boing. Z'nourrwringmm."

Super Six 4

I'm sitting a room smaller than the tiniest pinheads. There's a door on my right, but there isn't a handle. The chair's as dark as the blackest sin. My skin is cold, my thoughts are not my own.
Miles away, men are dying for my beliefs, and yet here I sit. In a dilemma only they knew. Only they knew. Only they. They. And are the men dying proud of what they are fighting for? Yes, and I know for a fact they are. Still this world criticises their actions. The world calls them evil men. Evil they are not, just men who know what they are doing. And the men who knew.

My room darkens. My thoughts fade. I sit behind a table full of lies and deceit. A table meant for death and judgement. It's easier than looking at them in their eyes and telling them the truth. They knew it. We all did. And we failed. Still here I sit, more alone than I ever was before they left, losing what remains of my sanity through the psychosis that runs in my mind every single second. Trying to find a better side in the human race, a search, altogether seeming more often of late, to be futile. It pains me. The missing link in me, over the years burning more and longer than it ever has. The time runs out, the hope diminishing as each second passes by, the panic settling in. I wish I could speak your language, know your pain, my brothers, my sisters. I would sing your songs that moved me to tears, that I saw such misery in your lives as if they were mine. I want to be with you, I want to feel what you feel. Despite the distance, my friends, I understand you, with every word. You all are here beside me, in every thought, in every beat, in your very existence.

There are good people in this world. But we all lose our hopes and dreams when the inevitable looms before us, warning us, taking our beliefs away. We crumble in sorrow as I, as they have all done. And here I sit alone behind the smiles and laughter. Behind bright eyes and clever words.
They have all gone, yet I remain, a monument, a page in history, a forgotten reminder that mankind tried and failed, over and over to bring you, all of us back together.

I love you, the ones that died for what you and I believed. The ones that carry this message throughout the ages. The ones that still watch the sunset every day, wondering what the day after would bring. The ones that read bloodied letters of love and reconsiliation. The ones that weep for the ones that were always with them.
The ones that never give up hoping...



I was waiting, waiting for a long time
In the dark shadow of grey towers
In the dark shadow of rain towers
You will see me waiting forever
One day it will come back
Over the lands, over the seas
The blue wind will return
And take back with it my wounded heart
I will be pulled away by its breath
Far away in the stream, wherever it wishes
Wherever it wishes, far away from this world
Between the sea and the stars

2 Hrs

I want to go to England.



Now...

You'll Never Find As Long As You Live....

How bout a different take on things for a little while.

When I look back at what we went through together, it makes me wonder. What was it that made it so beautiful? Was it the bitchin' fury of our conversations? Or the hilarious hostility we had with each other? It's probably all of those things. I miss it dearly. I felt right at home doing what I did, and I know, I did it just fine. The nights when we sit in the freezing air conditioning, watching comedy shows on television, cracking each other up on the mad pranks we used to pull, we were family. I loved every single one of them, and before I left after the service, I found there wasn't so much to hate. Every bad side to them made them all the more beautiful. They made up what they all were, a damned good Troop.
I pin up the newspaper articles on what we done over the years, and one really makes me feel real special...

"I just spoke to the SOC officers. Their spirits and morale are high. They are dedicated to their job...."

Echo, you gave my life one hell of a roller coaster ride, but I never could've learnt anymore from anything anywhere else. For that, I thank you guys....

The Day They Feel Good

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere


Sitting in my room, everythings a heartbeat. The cold, the silence, it made me shiver and cringe in that little corner. I hear the words that were spoken by so many people over the years. I see how their faces twist and turn with every emotion. They look so distressed. I want to feel happy and feel that sunshine on my face when there wasn't even a care in the world. That things happened the way mom and dad said they would turn out to be. That there's always a happy ending. That we as children were the ones that brought joy to the entire world. But...
What happnes when we are not children anymore? What becomes of us? Bundles of endless hope, shattered dreams, mysterious sadness, imitations of happiness, a hurtful reminder to the ones that made us this way.


Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow


I'm alone in this dark place, shaking in fear, looking out at very scary people. They move so fast, they care for no one. They rush by like there's nothing in their way. How do I even get in? I'm scared to go back in. She used to tell me it would be alright to stay away for a bit. That I needed it. But why are they like this?


And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had


They're not moving now. They're just vanishing into themselves. What are they? What am I? Where am I? Mother? Where am I? Why did you leave me all alone? I cry in my sleep, hiding under the covers, I hope tomorrow brings a better day. You promised.....


I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world


I can't find anyone to help me! Can you help me? Mother left me all alone. I don't know where I am. I'm lost. I need you. I....I don't understand. I tried to get back. But they aren't here anymore. Mother? Is that you? Someone?

Help me?







No one knows me...no one knew me.....

Mark And Bloody

As his body fell to the ground, his arms flailing, the heart failing, I gave myself a chance to smile. Nothing, nothing on this earth as sweet.

The crowd gathers, she runs to his side. She has tears in her eyes. She grabs his lifeless body, moaning, sobbing. The blood stains her lovely evening gown, how pretty she had looked. I stand only but a few feet away, where no one can see me. I edge out of the shadows just so the light touches the small of my face. She senses me, only with me whispering devious secrets in her ear. Her eyes full fo hate, mine full of malice with a smile to evoke madness, she stares at me through the darkness.


"How touching."
"Indeed. How frail and predictable."
"We were once Kostya, the same as them."
"Yes. Before. How different and yet how alike we are."
"How so?"
"That we both possess such inhumane thoughts. Although what seperates us, is the ability to do such."

I looked at him, the one that stood close to my side. He was beautiful.

"Let's go. We have lingered too long."

I smiled and disappeared into the shadows.

The Pack In Play With Coasters

The cars were streaming by. I could hear the quiet flapping of birds moving swiftly in the wind.
Time stops for no one. But here, where I am, time whines down to almost a crawl. It's only because we're losing track of everything we hold dear. And sooner than we think you and I will lose everything.
Even this.

Rain drops splash off the trees right down to where I'm standing. Eyes blink slowly, they stream down my face mixing fresh with salt. The suit hangs over on my shoulders but it's hardly even a concern. It's surreal. It's like a dream I've been having on all those sleepless nights. They turn to look at me. They know this is nothing for them, but the world for me. Layla stares at me, runs to me and hugs me tight. She trembles on me heavily, but all I can do is bring her closer and rest my eyes on the incoming gloom, darker as it draws closer, the little being clinging to me the only light shining through.
But for how long?

Time slows down the same time it speeds up. Everythings a blur, so much as it is, as clear as the brightest day. An understanding then in comes a wave of utter confusion.




What is it you want of me? Why now....

Body

We're done with laws and guns on the 12th of this month, September. I know, it's over. I didn't have time.....


We're done? Total?
No.....not yet.





I'll get ya..

And I Want To Scream

Why don't you call me I feel like flying in two
I'm invisible
An eraser of love



If you think you're friends are way better than me, or us as a matter of fact, then say it. Don't lead me, or us, in a dance so you can just play with us then throw us at that given chance. We may not be as cool, or as satisfying, but we're still humans, with feelings. You gave me that impression today, and if what I feel is wrong, then prove it, and I would be as sorry as any sane can ever be. It would be my error to pay for, but at this moment, it feels like you're trying to get rid of me, because of this-a-certain-certain reason, fair enough, I may have gone too deep in your life, but, on my part, it was for a better good, never with evil or bad intentions.

You may not know what it feels like to lose an entire lifetime of friends, watch it fall apart with horror and feeling so lost and alone, in want of someone to turn to. At this moment, I think you do not understand a single thing. It hurt to know that your words could've been said with a loving purpose, but the way it sounded made me feel that it's gone all to waste. And yet again, if this is wrong, prove it to me. I never expected such a thing to come up in friendships yet again, and it's a tell tale sign, it's going to hell, this whole relationship of friends.





Maybe it's cause we're not up to your standards.

Grass Greene

Tonight, I lie in bed weeping silently, knowing no one knows who I am, that the one who will, will never come.





I just sit here, head held in my arms, the spirits by my side comforting me.
How I love what you've done for me.

God bless....

Sgt. MacKenzie

"To the best of my knowledge, and taken from reports of the returning soldiers, one of his close friends fell, badly wounded. Charles stood his ground and fought until he was overcome and died from bayonet wounds. On that day, my great grandmother and my grandmother were sitting at the fire when the picture fell from the wall. My great grandmother looked, and said to my grandmother "Oh, my bonnie Charlie's dead". Sure enough a few days passed, and the local policeman brought the news - that Sgt. Charles Stuart MacKenzie had been killed in action. This same picture now hangs above my fireplace. A few years back my wife Christine died of cancer, and in my grief I looked at his picture to ask what gave him the strength to go on. It was then, in my mind, that I saw him lying on the field and wondered what his final thoughts were. The words and music just appeared into my head. I believe the men and woman like yourself who are prepared to stand their ground for their family - for their friends - and for their country; deserve to be remembered, respected and honoured."




Lay me down in the cold cold ground
Where before many more have gone
Lay me down in the cold cold ground
Where before many more have gone
When they come I will stand my ground
Stand my ground I'll not be afraid
Thoughts of home take away my fear
Sweat and blood hide my veil of tears
Once a year say a prayer for me
Close your eyes and remember me
Never more shall I see the sun
For I fell to a German's gun
Lay me down in the cold cold ground
Where before many more have gone
Lay me down in the cold cold ground
Where before many more have gone
Where before many more have gone

Shop Capsules

I'm falling apart and no one can piece me back together.

Everyone else is so absorbed in their own tight little world, they forget the one that's been so close.



I'm losing it a bit more each day, and can you stop it?
No...
Not if no one listens and no one helps.
But who the fuck helps me? No-fucking-one. You're all bloody fucking selfish.

The City

Hybrid on Choke.



What is it about?
It's about choking on your secrets?

Whether or not it is what it is, it's amazing. It's secrets that bury us, secrets that are born, breed, nutured then unleashed in all its raw energy utterly destroying almost everything in it's path. People unaffected, people affected, everyone.
What's the point of secrets? You think it's a fun play, but it never is. Unless you just want to be left out of this world.


"I'll stay here with my secrets...."


Go ahead...
You choking what you love,
It comes back when your'e sleeping,
Cuts you in the dark...

Land

Pulse.
Wave.
She.
More.
Burn me.
Swift.
Closer.
Love.
Touching.
Love.
Lust.
Ecstacy.
Freedom.
Lust.
She.
Inside.
Me.
More of it.
Movement.
Pulse.
Movement.
She.
Me.


I've got you inside of me, she said.
That's all she ever wanted.



Trance me sexy...

Choke

Blade on skin.

This evening.

Just passed.

Why? Who ever knew why. Because of the things said, because the things unsaid, because I am who I am.


Dark.

In Summer When Lights Go Out

"We're trapped here Jay, there's no way out."

"And we can't go back that way, we'll never make it past them."

".....fuck........"

"Christ, what the fuck is going on? This shit was supposed to be over. Why does it go on and on, I can't take, oh god, please...."

"Dan, it'll be alright, take it slow now. We'll think of something."

It was quiet...

"Jay, i'm scared, i'm really scared. What are we gonna do.....?"

She broke down, dropping to her knees, her head in her hands as she sobbed. I closed my eyes and stared into the darkness. The horrific sounds echoing in the background, the evil pulsing through the unknown, beating heavily in my heart; all of our hearts.

"This is it isn't it? Thats that. There's nothing more after this."

"What do you mean 'That's it'? Make some sense please, I can't even freaking think, god...."

Everyone was beginning to panic, the desperation had sunk deep in, their hopes shattered even sanity now seemed to fade way beyond all our grasps. Maybe even my own wasn't even mine anymore. But how....

"Ginny, baby, it's alright. Come here, hush now, it's ok."

I took her in my arms, I held her close. All that I lived for flashed before my eyes and I knew there and then what I had to do. Ginny was all I had. She was all I ever loved. She is, my all.

"What sector is this? It's Seven here. Look over there Dan, this is 49th Street. Keep moving along under till you hit 52nd. There should be a bridge up top leading out of the city. Keep moving till you get clear. I don't know what's up top, but it should be clear. The reports didn't say anything was there. It's dead zone anyhow. You should be in the clear."

"Are you fucking dumb? Those things will be here once they find a way through. We'll just be dragging them all the way with us. And how on earth do you know there's nothing up on 52nd huh? We could be walking into...."

"Dan, it's better there and out then in here and stuck. Just go. Ginny, Stace, Max and Leo will go with you..."

She looked up at me, her eyes burning with emotion. I looked at her and she too knew. She loved me and I knew it. There would be another time. Maybe, just maybe...

"What about you? Jesus, you're not staying, oh my god that's not it, it's not going down like this!"

"Just go. I'll keep them busy."

They all stared.

"Go....."

They turned and ran quickly. The sounds were getting louder now. The splashing, the banging, the howls. I cowered in whatever shadows I had to cover me and waited.




Sometimes, we do things not out of bravery or sacrifice. We do things out of necessity. Knowing that we can and that not a single person in this world could do it at that given moment.





We never saw him again.

Coconut Coke

In 2077 the world seemed to have lost its place. We were still fighting against belief and preservation.
A year later, the world collapsed, people were frantic, people lost hope. We began to doubt humanity completely. Rumours that the end was near were spreading faster than aids ever did.

But we've already heared this story haven't we?

The moments where we fail ourselves and watch others fail along with us without anyone to hold us together, hearing words that mean nothing, and yet clinging on to amazing things people used to say. Presidents, the wise, the wicked and the insane. Our parents. The loved ones.
No. It's time we listened to ourselves. The people around you and me can only do so much to change our minds.

Even in ultimate despair and failure. Who have we got?



It's just you and me love, each for one another.
No more going back this time.
Just burn through...

Tea With Angels

The virgin would've been proud this very day.

But after all, we're all very small people. Aren't we?


I watched the train go by this morning, and it felt so weird. Leo no more. We get hardened by stuff like that, and then, you're surrounded by funny friends talking about plastic and the random 'what-nots' that get picked up on the way from plastic. I thought of calling Jo to get Wes' number, then hesitated. Even though Mi would be easy, Wes wouldn't be. I mean, it could be all right, but what of the effects? Those words are still lingering, it's meaning completely still, a mystery. Hah, fun.

It made the world tingle when me and Sue were here running through some of our things. Althought the wet armpits were an amazing laugh, what came after felt so alien.

And then the world closed in. Is it fear? Could be. Desolation? Maybe, just maybe. A cry...




Till then, i'm still that man in the black suit, just waiting.

Just By Saying I Love You

At such a young age, I never thought I'd see such misery, felt such pain. In my early twenties, I feel, like I've seen all that I can see. There are no more surprises, no more incidents where my heart or soul can be torn wide apart as it has now.

Some say God works in mysterious ways. He might.

It's true, the heart is everything. Without heart anywhere, it's almost impossible to carry on at all. The world seems a more dreary place, even sunshine seems like an eclipse. The darkest of days bring you comfort, you slip into the shadows, cover yourself up in warm blankets, just waiting for all those cold lonely nights to chill you with sad, painful memories.

My life, so far as I've seen it through it's many episodes, somehow seems like a movie I've watched and remembered so many times.


The girl I actually thought I could and would really spend my whole life with got engaged to someone I know. How much pain can that be? It's so painful, there is nothing else at all. We talk about how heartbreak can hurt real bad, but it's worse when you lose someone you really know would be your forever. The tears can't come down anymore. The only thing that I feel is, lost.

Just lost. I used to think I led a lonely life, but since all this happened, lost seems a joy compared to what I feel now. There is no word to describe it. Maybe the equivalent is death and knowing you're alone watching others survive. But this pain is so unbearable, its so deep, it runs so deep, it implodes inside of me completely taking me over, I wish I could just disappear.

At another friends engagement party today, I saw her, and at hearing her voice, seeing her, I felt so much joy, so much happiness, that sunshine still shone through no matter what. But when he came along and sat down with her later on during dinner, I sat at another table with a few others and smiled in sadness.

There was nothing I could do but watch, burning with jealousy, burning with sadness, burning with regret. She was so beautiful, and yet she can never be mine.

There is no hope my friends, there is only pain in this life. Yet we carry still everyday, doing our duty and still holding strong waiting for something to happen. And yet, that huge hole cut open in my heart will never heal. There will never be another Rebbecca. She will always be the one deep in my heart, she will always be the one that melts it no matter how hard I can ever be. Cause I know this is the truest of love, the most honest, the most beautiful form of love, when it's surprisingly true, it hurt beyond all human comprehension. That this love would make me smile in happiness when she's with someone else, that I long for her happiness, that her smile would mean so much.

That I yearn to hold her in my arms and know forever and eternity that she will be mine till death do us part.

God, Becky........






Do you know how much I love you?

Grind

Oh My God. They're doing Witchblade.

This is amazing...

There's Nothing At All...Only You

Coming back with a heavy heart, the mission was a failure, we lost some good men, the sadness could be seen in every face, especially their close buddies. I knew Danny, we'd grown up together from the same neighbourhood. Losing another pal from back home took yet another toll on me, it left a gaping hole where all the emotions flowed in and out, making it so much harder to keep it inside.

I'd come back in alone, everyone preferred it that way. Rifle still grasped in my hand, I headed into the amphitheatre. We'd been stationed there till we got the call, but no one was there when I walked in, sweaty, bloody, absorbed in my own world of sadness.
I saw the piano up front, I felt the urge to touch it, to play a tune or two. It might, just might take away my mind off things for a minute, maybe that's all we actually need sometimes, just a tiny bit of time to ourselves to rethink all of it.
I laid my weapon at the side, nver noticing the schoolgirls standing around doing their own thing. Glancing at them, I singled out their lecturer, and motioned to her if she'd mind if I had a go at the piano. She looked hestitant, but noticing the state I was in, it must have been bad, she nodded and waved towards the piano. I sat down, lifted the cover and just sat there looking at it. It looked sad, just like me, we both needed comfort. I had no thoughts, my mind was as blank as an empty mag, and yet my fingers moved on their own, laid themselves on the keys and moved slowly, gently.
It played through my mind, ran through my fingers, it began quietly, simply, and I felt the heat of the moment move me immensly; I closed my eyes started the verse and let it take me away.

We looked at him as he sat down, his uniform stained with blots of blood, drenched with sweat, his rifle dusty. He was a handsome man, but his expressions were those of a disturbed man, just wanting to be alone. He'd asked to play the piano, it was my baby, but she let him, our Head Lecturer. I felt angry for a second but what was the use? They were having a hard time out there, trying hard to take control of the situation, and from his looks, I knew it wasn't all that easy. The girls around me stood quiet, our discussion utterly ruined by his presence. We eyed him, some angrily, some intent on trying to get to know him, after all, soldiers were hot, just like this one. I wondered what he would play, could he even play? As well as me? I wouldn't think so......
Amazing how his fingers flowed easily over the keys! But what was this song he played with so much feeling? He had closed his eyes, there a look of peace, with a hint of pain on his face. The song, I knew this song! Its, it's my song!

She reeled over backwards a little, suprising her friends, they grabbed her and asked what was wrong. But she already had tears in her eyes. She moved over to the closest seat, sat down, stared at the handsome intruder while tears crept down her face, the spots darkening on her skirt.

He opened his eyes when he heard a gasp. Still singing, his hands travelling over the keys, playing the song true. He turned and saw her sitting there with tears in her eyes. Her friends were around her holding her, some, if not all glaring at him. He wondered for a moment if they had known Danny, but dashed the thought, it was impossible. Was it his playing? The song he was singing? Could it...? He saw the lecturer move over to the drums, sat down picked up the sticks, looked at him, smiled and began playing in tune with him. They knew this song! How wonderful it felt to have a small sanctuary where at least some knew of pain and understood something! He moved into the song, feeling its lyrics burn through each and every memory, bringing up memories, he felt the tears well up, he knew he was home....


Forever Love Forever Dream
afureru omoi dake ga
hageshiku setsunaku jikan o umetsukusu
Oh Tell me why .....All I see is blue in my heart....

Will you stay with me kaze ga......


I couldn't go on, the pain was too much, I hung my head and watched the tears drop. And suddenly, she stood up, and sang.....


....sugisaru made
mata afuredasu All my tears


I looked at her and continued playing, she was an angel. She sang it pure, just the way it should sound. We cried as we sang, the emotions overwhelming us entirely, but we both knew what the song meant to us. And yet our voices chorusing together in unison, was amazing. She had had her heart ripped out like mine had countless times, aand here with this song, it brought us together.

He sat there looking at me while I sang my heart out, each and every line hitting me like a thousand arrows as it burned right through my heart. His voice was beautiful, in perfect harmony, the world standing still all around us, it was just my moment with him, our song, our feelings.



Forever Love Forever Dream kore ijyou arukenai
Oh Tell me why
Oh Tell me true
oshiete ikiru imi o
Forever Love Forever Dream
afureru namida no naka
kagayaku kisetsu ga eien ni kawaru made
Forever Love



The song ended as fast as it began, we were now both, just looking at each other. Then, she ran to me and embraced me, the warmth of her love, pulsed through her body into mine. All I did was draw her close and faded away into joy, satisfaction, sadness, misery and love.






Sometimes, the world forgets us completely, yet the smallest of things bring us together when we least expect it....

Clear Blue Skies

It rained in June when it wasn't supposed to.



Went and came back, it was still pretty much the same. The rocks stood straight up, the calls were inconsistent. The Overwhelming was in fact pretty much intact, no way of avoiding that now. We walked down the street next to ours and vanished into a different place altogether, I still wondered if the moments would count, as many as they were, they were forgotten the second it happened, yet, we never really could. It trailed over to conversations, mingling the tender, desperate struggle to say something, but they never once turned to us for more than a minute at most, and at that, hardly ever listening.

There, for a thought, it appeared, but why it comes and goes, the surety of it is sadly, unclear. Marc came up with this...


"Cause im not afraid to love, for the first time i'm not afraid to love."


Trailing, yes, the confusion was finally here and it made us feel so, what was the word? It made us, no, me, wander. Wandering. The gentle tick-tock of time, making me fade away with each pasing moment.

Maybe i'll take a walk down that lane again, maybe the answers are there this time. But she'd rather stay than go, what's in between, that, my sweet, is your mysterious secret.

All I See Is Blue In My Heart

Ah, hold me the way I am My heart, damp as it is,
Is being changed at this moment
If unchanging love is there

Will you hold my heart
Catch my tears
All my heart is ready to break


Hot tears flowed freely yet again when I thought bout him, about her, about everyone else. They were all so beautiful, yet they couldn't hold on, couldn't hold on forever.

Don't leave me here to go through this alone, please....

Chewy On Silver

The tractor came in last week and pops was pretty happy with it. We can start farming again, like a family, he said. What the hell does that mean?

You and I both.


Give and take, everyone's mostly rubbish. I've got a pal that goes : "Fuck the world!" I have to admit, thats a pretty catchy phrase. I'd rather sit down and watch how much they can mess everything up, rather than trying to help and get bored with it.

*Big Sigh*




Happy Birthday Alina, star bright star light....

But I Don't Care What They Say...

He looked at her, the world stopped moving in those few precious seconds.

He felt the pain, the dagger of hurt slowly plunge in so deep. He felt himself bleed, he knew that wound would never heal.

All she could do was stare. She knew it too, she had hurt him bad. Him in that black suit looking ever so good as he always did, his soft hair she always brushed as she looked into his brown eyes feeling the love he always had for her. Now those eyes were fixed on her, with so much hurt in them.

The cigarette in his hands burnt. Still looking at her, he took another draw from it. He saw the world pass by slowly, everything moved in delay, his mind was blank.

She called his name...

"Jay.....I'm..."

He shook his head, closed his eyes, threw the cigarette away, smiled to himself a sad smile, turned around and walked away. Everyone was looking at him, they all knew who he was, a few grabbed their mobiles and began taking pictures of him. He took out another cigarette, lit it, stopped for a while, breathed in deep, looked up at the sky and asked why?

She pushed him away from her and stared at his back as he walked away. He would turn around wouldn't he? He would! Oh god please turn around! She couldn't move, she couldn't do anything. Her mind raced with regret, she knew her mistake and it burned her heart, she knew she had lost him....forever.


Story of my life.

Neutralize

How sad the human race.



It's a horrific tale of jealousy and mistrust. Of sadness and utter turmoil. History, the days of friendship and brotherhood. Long gone, only a bitter taste remains now.
It's a risk, and yet how manipulative the nature of humans are. Capturing you with their sweet words and 'unnatural' kindness. Oh my, never be caught unawares. But again, how manipulative!

Evil.

We're alone. Left. Disgusting how low a level one can stop to to gain and gain nothing from much. It's the excitement of reactions that provoke such retaliation. The inevitable urge to do what must be done. To lurk in mischief and revenge, conjured by the ever glowing crown of glory, being the best and the only one alive and winning each and every battle fought. A cunning fox, a miserable character wanted by so many, yet hated by the silent millions, ignored by all, loved by the feminine species. Even so, left alone to rage through every failing mans torture in mind and soul, taking advantage of every weakness, making it its strength, humiliating the minority. How painful, although intriguing, to know such evil exists. Such brutal atrocities capable in one mans mind. Then being capable of immense concentration to out will and outlast every individual that poses a threat.

For what? For fame and glory. For not of want, but of greed, barely a need.

We live here.

He'll Rekindle All The Dreams It Took You A Lifetime To Destroy..

Take a little walk to the edge of town
Go across the tracks
Where the viaduct looms,
like a bird of doom
As it shifts and cracks
Where secrets lie in the border fires,
in the humming wires
Hey man, you know
you're never coming back
Past the square, past the bridge,
past the mills, past the stacks
On a gathering storm comes
a tall handsome man
In a dusty black coat with
a red right hand




Given the chance I would just go....
To live in the horror world. Maybe we all can. Hear the beats, relive the darkness. To feel the words pummel me with harsh realizations, to be stripped of emotion and conscience. No, that already exists, though deep down.
The world hurts. Everybosy hurts me. How cares? I don't. I'm sick of thinking and pindering whether it's going to anytime, cause in the end we don't have the right guts to really end it. We want to, but can't, how unreal and sad.
If you realise, the world hates everyone. No, everyone hates everyone. Its a competion, it's a race. For survival. You'll hack and slash anyone that stands in your way just to get what you want. Some come out winners while others lose, and get buried alive in the ever desperate struggle. How sad?
Again.....
Who cares?
I don't.
Why even bother?
No one's going to look back at you twice. Help some? No, they step on your head and they keep moving. Without you.

I'd ask the devil why he's so nice when others aren't. To sleep awake and have an unearthly conversation with men who don't have faces, whose voices pierce the impenetratable shadows telling you it's only a dream when it's actually real and you dont want it to end.
How eager this madness.

And then sleep with her, that woman of undying lust, to feel her pulse pound rapidly beneath my touch, her eyes sometimes shut, and then wide open in pain and pleasure. Tearing her skin apart with the slightest kiss, hearing her graon when she should be screaming, feeling the blood rush to the surface with it's warmth, then cooling , then burning as it flows down to where it stays, right where it belongs. She rips my skin, i feel the slight breeze of air as it seeps gently into my system, do you think this will ever stop?
She says : "No...take me."
There's no stopping the lust and passion, it's the exchange of our slithery life ebbing away with each devious kiss that takes us beyond all deception. I feel her for who she is, she always asks for more, yet her body begs for me to stop.

I'll take your life with me and learn to be ignorant of emotion.

Because the blood is life, and that's all I live for.

Do You Miss Me Tonight?

On the recent occasion, I heard so much. It triggered memories. It reminded me of the past how I, no, how we all tried our very best to evade, run from it. I won't be the only one to hide from them.


How much more painful can it get? No matter how much you try, it always comes back, and suprisingly, you'll see yourself in other people. How they tried to be who I was before, how they try to convince you they've seen it and done it before. Why? It's me, not you.

How much do you want to say about me to make me regret the things that were done, how much do you want to remind me that all of this that goes on without pause hurts so deep down, each and every passing day is filled with sadness and remorse.

Do I need you to tell me it burns? To remember all of them and have their wounds bleed yet again?

How could you? How can your inhumane mind, your insensitivity decide to hurt me so much? You have become another of the tons who have reminded me over and over. Each person I meet reminds me of everything, how sad it feels to not be able to carry on with a proper life for real.




She still stays fresh in my mind everyday. I can't run from you. I don't even want to. But I just want to run from the thought it could happen again, though I just want to be there again.

I want you back, but you can never be had till all this is over.

Soon I'll Be Blessing You

The earth, the water, the hopelessness, the prayers.


God in it's self centered environment, he or she would never care about you or me. You'll walk the streets thinking about the past, present, and your inevitable future of the purest form, forming in your mind the horror of the desperate world enveloping all that surrounds you with it's dark, immense embrace of forlorn jealousy. Realsm of emotion, open portals of ghosts, ghosts of the living memory, they will always live in your brightest most holy dreams of salvation and heaven. No heaven or angel will ever, never ever save you from the sorrow that has bestowed on you by who but all that cursed you over and over. I wish I could be with you without wishing you could be with me, knowing that wishing you with me would never be a wish I would ever want to wish that you would want to be with me wishing you were with me wishing. I tear through your deepest wounds hurting you the way you hurt me, darling, sweet love of eternal death. I prayed that we would go on and on, forgetting how the world really wove it's way around us, seperating you and me from each other's reality. I played the part so well, hearing it replayed ack to me never sounded better.

I cred the last tear for the most beautiful person. Now I long to be ever in your arms, feeling the cold touch of your skin on mine, the dead death of slow, painful consequence of judgemental sin.

Soon, always, be here.

Entitlement

Sometimes I wish they were around, I wish she was around.

I wish I had them all back with me when times are hardest, when all around me seems bleak and somewhat strange. How do others communicate? Through language, through small talk, through experience and through relations of all kinds.

How do we communicate?

Through being who we are. Not everyone can be us, but the few that I once knew were just the way I was, the way it was supposed to be. Yes, there are the sporadic few who are extremely different, far apart from us and our natural behaviour, and yes, we shun the very sight and and literally, sounds of them.

How?

We are what we are, we feel what we feel, we feel each other, we know why it hurts everyone now and then at the most painful parts. Who else but us can comfort each other, support one another? You understand why then, it's hard for me function in the every day life, feeling the loss of close friends who understood your every emotion, who took it to heart and tried their best to make you feel you once again.

No, I can't write. I can't type. I can't express yself. I don't have you no more. That part of me is gone, what you see is a tiny fragment, a memory of what I was, never to be again...

Lenard Richardson

I was sitting, chatting.


It struck me. No, it just happened. I didn't understand, but it felt like I did.
Who are we really? The world we live in controls us with its unwritten rules, fooling us completely, manipulating every turn we take, every opportunity we grab. We know who we are deep down, but we're forced to change, to evolve, hesitant, unwilling to portray our true selves, or rather, subconsciously, every now and then sending out tiny hints and glimpses of ourselves. But what are we trying to do? We're actually showing ourselves who we are, it's a personal message, an intimate, heartfelt plea to remind us what we really are. We're plunged into a world of selfishness, destruction, no respect, no second chances, no remorse, no affection. The times where we feel all these is when we place the world at a stand still, although after, we reap the pain of it.

This world is about expression and the disabilty to show it. Or in some cases, the disability to. We're fighting one another to see who's wrong or right this time round, only to emerge on the losing or winning end, unprepared for the next tout with the exact same reason with over a million people with a different idea. Yes, we are forced to change, forced to evolve. We are angels at times, and the most horrific demons the very next moment.
In another dimension.....

I came in the house after my chat and I saw a lady sitting in the kitchen. Wasn't mother or gran, just a lady I didn't know. Forlorn, lonely she seemd, she looked at me with a sad face. What was this?

It was an expression, a visual one. An expression of my my very own, that the world is extremely harsh, it will never wait for you to catch up. You're left behind with the other outcasts and you can't bear the pain of it all.
We have to please everyone and it only lasts the very moment you do, never longer.

Want to know why i'm so different? Am I really? Or I could just be a person suffereing from dimensia. Songs, movies are made with distinct messages or fantasies that a person can relate to. But why in an indirect element? Why not say it out loud? Why go through a song? or a movie? Or a book? Because it those very short moments, the intensity is dramatically built up, just like your very own lives over the years and summarised with a message that hits you so hard, you feel it deep down in your guts.

Hearts broken, lives shattered, stories of women and men, tales of young girls in a hellish rapture. Can we do anything anymore? How do we affect the world? How do we change it? Why are people so stubborn? Ignorant and lost beyond all hope.

Ignorant, that's the very word.

My friends, learn. Listen more, replay these moments in your life, find out each and every meaning. For every misdeed and mistake you make, there are thousands who suffer from it indirectly. And we all pay the heavy price.

Brief

Maybe we were some of the many few
Somewhere deep down she knew
Her silent quiet decline
Would she ever be mine
Trying in and out of space
Her sweet warm embrace
There she was again
I cuddle, knowing no pain
Is this where I am
Or is this a question of when
I know not these things
I'll see the world in various spins
Brightening darkness
Impenetratable sadness
A lost soul among the the smiles
A dreadful truth throughout the miles
Running from her, wanting her
Pleading with her, afraid of fear
Who are you bright shining madness
You bring with you ungodly happiness
I wish I was real enough for you and me
But I'll always know it can never be
Youre almost never real
And to your love I yield
The smallest desire
The unforgiving reminder
Of misery and strife
The destruction of my life
Oh sweet memory
Play me your enticing melody
Till I sleep awake
Never a breath more to take