Tea With Angels

The virgin would've been proud this very day.

But after all, we're all very small people. Aren't we?


I watched the train go by this morning, and it felt so weird. Leo no more. We get hardened by stuff like that, and then, you're surrounded by funny friends talking about plastic and the random 'what-nots' that get picked up on the way from plastic. I thought of calling Jo to get Wes' number, then hesitated. Even though Mi would be easy, Wes wouldn't be. I mean, it could be all right, but what of the effects? Those words are still lingering, it's meaning completely still, a mystery. Hah, fun.

It made the world tingle when me and Sue were here running through some of our things. Althought the wet armpits were an amazing laugh, what came after felt so alien.

And then the world closed in. Is it fear? Could be. Desolation? Maybe, just maybe. A cry...




Till then, i'm still that man in the black suit, just waiting.

Just By Saying I Love You

At such a young age, I never thought I'd see such misery, felt such pain. In my early twenties, I feel, like I've seen all that I can see. There are no more surprises, no more incidents where my heart or soul can be torn wide apart as it has now.

Some say God works in mysterious ways. He might.

It's true, the heart is everything. Without heart anywhere, it's almost impossible to carry on at all. The world seems a more dreary place, even sunshine seems like an eclipse. The darkest of days bring you comfort, you slip into the shadows, cover yourself up in warm blankets, just waiting for all those cold lonely nights to chill you with sad, painful memories.

My life, so far as I've seen it through it's many episodes, somehow seems like a movie I've watched and remembered so many times.


The girl I actually thought I could and would really spend my whole life with got engaged to someone I know. How much pain can that be? It's so painful, there is nothing else at all. We talk about how heartbreak can hurt real bad, but it's worse when you lose someone you really know would be your forever. The tears can't come down anymore. The only thing that I feel is, lost.

Just lost. I used to think I led a lonely life, but since all this happened, lost seems a joy compared to what I feel now. There is no word to describe it. Maybe the equivalent is death and knowing you're alone watching others survive. But this pain is so unbearable, its so deep, it runs so deep, it implodes inside of me completely taking me over, I wish I could just disappear.

At another friends engagement party today, I saw her, and at hearing her voice, seeing her, I felt so much joy, so much happiness, that sunshine still shone through no matter what. But when he came along and sat down with her later on during dinner, I sat at another table with a few others and smiled in sadness.

There was nothing I could do but watch, burning with jealousy, burning with sadness, burning with regret. She was so beautiful, and yet she can never be mine.

There is no hope my friends, there is only pain in this life. Yet we carry still everyday, doing our duty and still holding strong waiting for something to happen. And yet, that huge hole cut open in my heart will never heal. There will never be another Rebbecca. She will always be the one deep in my heart, she will always be the one that melts it no matter how hard I can ever be. Cause I know this is the truest of love, the most honest, the most beautiful form of love, when it's surprisingly true, it hurt beyond all human comprehension. That this love would make me smile in happiness when she's with someone else, that I long for her happiness, that her smile would mean so much.

That I yearn to hold her in my arms and know forever and eternity that she will be mine till death do us part.

God, Becky........






Do you know how much I love you?